Pregnancy Diaries: Chapter 1 (weeks 9-11)

(Week 9) Monday, February 17th, 2020. Today I found out I was pregnant. (yesterday I had brunch with the girl’s crew—shout out to all of you ladies, you were right!) I had been telling the girls yesterday at our monthly brunch meetup how tired I was last week and how I went off birth control in December. They all thought I better take a pregnancy test. I wasn’t quite convinced, it didn’t seem like it could be real….I wasn’t ready to believe it or think it yet. I was pretty chill about it all, not in excitement. Some girls were already discussing plans to bring the baby to Disneyland when he/she was old enough. 

 I had a feeling there was something off with my body. For the past two weeks, I have not quite felt like “Sarah.” The upbeat, high energy self that I love about myself…..something was missing. Working out felt like it was more challenging, teaching didn’t feel as enjoyable, I was easily irritated by things in the classroom that don’t typically bother me. I was going to bed at 8 PM every night for the past week and a half almost. That’s 45 minutes earlier than typical on a school night for me! I was waking up to use the bathroom 4 or 5 times per night but only urinating a very small amount. We had discussed it prior that when I turned 30, we would think about having a baby. I turned 30 in January so…that goal is checked off. I went off birth control in December. We weren’t trying too hard. It’s not like I was calculating my menstrual cycle doing period math to see when the best time to conceive was. We just had the attitude that if it happens, it happens. Still, I was not over-eager at the thought of having a child yet. The thought of my life-changing forever. It was unappealing at the time but I knew I wanted this eventually.

Well, when I found out today I wasn’t quite sure how to process it. The doctor called me about an hour after I left the urine sample in the lab. After the call, we took a long hike at Bunker Hills Park near our house, a 5-mile hike. The whole hike we were discussing, running scenarios through our minds trying to figure out when this happened. I figured since I missed my period this whole month, it must have happened sometime in January and I must be around 5 or 6 weeks pregnant. I feel as if I am in a state of shock. When I heard the words “Congratulations, you are pregnant!” I wasn’t quite jumping for joy yet. It didn’t feel real yet. It will start to sink in over the next few days, and weeks, and especially at the first prenatal appt that’s scheduled at 10 weeks. For now, we are not sharing the news with anyone, even family. We will wait for sure until the prenatal appointment to know things are going well. For now, I will just let my mind race, let my google searches go wild, and dream about the next time I can enjoy a beer. Names we discussed: Scandia, Mariah 

Thursday February 20th, 2020 I have had a few days to process and think it through. We’ve narrowed it down to a few possible times where we created this tiny human growing inside of me. The times we narrowed down were just about a week after my 30th birthday. As I said, it’s not like we were tracking my ovulation cycle. All I did was go off birth control in December. I still am not jumping for joy, but I am slowly coming to terms with it all. I wanted this all to happen but I am in shock still.

While in my workout class today, ringside (which is basically a HIIT style kickboxing class) I was having a fairly decent workout, probably the most decent it’s been this week. The past couple of weeks my workouts have been a challenge. But then, the song Waka Waka by Shakira came on and my energy level went through the roof. This song for me brings back memories to my early 20’s when I was just discovering Zumba dance classes. Every time I got to shake it to Waka Waka it brought a huge sense of joy and life to my soul! It fed my soul and reminded me that we must embrace every moment in life. In Swahili, it translates to “do it.” if you’ve never heard this song I suggest you go listen to it now. Did it inspire you? Did it make you want to dance? Now you know what I am talking about!

 When this song came on in the class I felt like my young 20’s self again. Wild, free and not having a care in the world. My pregnancy low energy was gone, and my mood was up. The point I am making is that it’s this moment I realized I am scared of losing myself through this process.  Ever since I found out I was pregnant on Monday, I have been in a bit of a funk and hearing Waka Waka was a reminder of how much I love life and myself, and I should never stop doing that. In fact, a baby is even more of a reason to do that. If I don’t love myself through this whole process than how am I  to love a human I am birthing into this delicate world? 

 Maybe it’s because I haven’t told anyone except my husband, and maybe it’s because I am still processing the shock of it all. These emotions are real and I must say, writing about this right now helps me process my own thoughts too. I have read, heard, and talked to mothers who have felt they lost a sense of self through pregnancy and entering motherhood. I fear this. I love my life, my freedom, my mindset. I realized at that moment I will keep this. I will use it to power through pregnancy, and I will use it to empower myself and as I raise a child. 

(Week 10) Friday, February 28th 2020

It’s been almost 2 weeks since i’ve learned the news. You are probably wondering who I have told at this point. Well, it’s still a very small well-kept secret. At this point, my good friend Jennie knows because she has been eagerly texting me “well, are you pregnant?” Since she asked I shared the news. I still am not openly sharing it with many because I want to wait until the first ultrasound next week. I want to know this is all real. I want to know I am healthy, that baby is healthy. I also shared the news with a good friend Ashley. I was recently visiting her and her 4-month-old baby. Being around a baby when you recently have learned the news that your pregnant and trying to keep it all a secret didn’t work out for me. In conversation, while playing with baby Carlos, Ashley said to me “So when are you going to make one of these?” I replied, “Well I went off birth control in December, but we’re not trying that hard.” Her response “So you could be pregnant right now!” I laughed, but didn’t reveal my secret quite than. An hour later after asking all kinds of questions about pregnancy, birth, and being a new mom, I let it all out. “The truth is, I am pregnant right now.” I said to her.  It felt so good to release and talk with a friend who had just been through it all! It felt good to know my reactions and feelings about the recent news was normal. 

Well, those 2 girls are the only ones who know as of today. As I said, I just need to know the baby is healthy, and then my happiness will start to glow. I can feel it. This week has been tough. Monday felt like the longest day ever. I had a headache and no matter how much I ate, I was still hungry. Tuesday was better and I ate twice the snacks I normally eat. Wednesday was a long day, I was crabby and short-fused. On Thursday I had the best workout I had all week long. I’m not sure where Thursdays’ energy came from. And here we are, Friday. I came home to dinner made, dishes washed. My husband has been treating me like a queen since we got the news. He’s always been amazing husband, but there’s been a shift in his daily beats of caring for me. Especially in making sure I get the right nutrition.  I feel very grateful to have such a caring husband through this process. I will say he has nothing to do with the 2 or 3 desserts I find for myself each night. I now sit here eating my fudge that has been vacuum-sealed since last summer and it tastes so damn good. Why I had to open vacuum sealed fudge when there was plenty of other chocolate choices available? That’s the pregnancy mystery. 

(Week 11) Thursday March 5 2020

Today I got my first ultrasound. It was exciting, and so validating all at the same time. With the validation also came some more fear. It was really true. We could now see that there really was a baby growing inside of me. It was good to know that everything was normal for a 12 week pregnancy. Yes, 12 weeks! At the time when we went into the appointment, I thought it was only 8 weeks based on the last day of my menstrual cycle, but the measurements of the baby showed that I was 12 weeks and  3 days pregnant. This put me at the end of the first trimester which was hard to believe. This meant I was nearly 3 months done with pregnancy already. As the ultrasound tech said to me  “this means you have 4 less weeks than you thought of pregnancy, that’s great news!!” It was time to start thinking about how we were going to tell our family. The first people we had to tell were our parents! 

Saturday March 7, 2020 We revealed the news to our parents tonight! They were nearly as shocked as us. We caught the reaction on camera which is priceless (highly recommend doing so when you reveal the news to your parents or family members!) Here is a photo of the beer bottle we presented our parents to reveal the news….they thought they were tasting some of Andy’s most recent homebrewed beer.